I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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