FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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