They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
