her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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