At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
