Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
