He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
