Are we in a gay sports bar?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
