Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
