I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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