I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
