I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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