Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
