drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
