I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
