I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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