I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
