you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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