i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
