i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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