The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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