Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
