Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
