Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
