This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
