this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
