I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
