Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
