i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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