textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
