**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
