you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
