Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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