don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
