Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
