Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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