I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
