im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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