I puked a lego.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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