Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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