just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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