im six kinds of drunk right now
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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