just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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