you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
