My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
