why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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