I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
