The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
