These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
