I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
