then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
