We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
