I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
