Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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